352

Three hundred fifty two days. 

Impatiently waiting, pacing, thinking, and barely surviving. 

You know, when someone suffers from anxiety they tell you about overthinking and about the pain that comes with anxiety. You know? Hard to breathe, pain in your chest that you associate with anxiety (I myself, associate with heartbreak). But they don't mention much about the incredibly painful numbness that comes after that anxiety attack. 

Some of you who suffer with anxiety might know what I'm talking about and for that I'm truly sorry for you. It's worse then the pain. It's worse because you welcome the numbness. Nothing is worse than preferring to feel "nothing" over feeling love, loss, happiness, anger. 

It's worse because instead of wanting to feel happy, you WANT to feel nothing. "Nothing" is safer. There is no end to "nothing". There is always an end to happiness, to love. So you would rather feel "nothing" knowing that in the end there is only "nothing". 

Do you ever sit back and look at your life and think "What the actual-fuck, am I doing?" 

I'm talking about the realization that as a person: the things you go through, feel, talk about, can have more meaning. I can't be going through this for no reason. Nor can I be going through this just for me. There has to be a bigger purpose for the pain, suffering, anger, fear. A bigger purpose then to just feel like I am barely surviving. 

2020 was shit. There, I said it. 

Not just because of the pandemic, the economy falling, etc. But my own personal Hell erupted. 

I lost my job, my confidence in myself. Lost confidence in my relationships. My life. I let the anger, anxiety, depression win and in turn, lost everything that mattered to me. I let that happen. I gave up. 

I gave up on myself. 

To this day I think of all the ways I disappointed him. That's why my anxiety is my heartbreak. Not because I blame him for how he feels, or how he acts. But because I did this to him and made him feel and act the ways he does towards me. 

Do I think it's all me? No, absolutely not. I truly feel that alienation is a thing and court needs to do more to get the research... but I think it started because of me and the person involved in his life now is taking full advantage that the court system doesn't believe that alienation is real. No person could freely make someone hate the other person? 

Oh yes, yes they can. Especially when that person has such contempt for you that they are willing to do whatever it takes to hurt you. 

I know what you're thinking. "That's selfish, another human couldn't do that!" Trust me, I thought so too. I thought for almost two years that the one man, the one person that I could trust beyond a shadow of a doubt could NEVER hurt me like that... but I was wrong. 

History tends to repeat itself. 

I've been thinking for the past six months about how I should just give up, that I am not the person he needs or wants. But that's not true. 

I am his mother. At the end of the day that means something to me. I carried him. I nursed him. I fought HARD for him and in the moments leading up to what a disappointment I am - I know that I thought I was doing what was best for him. 

I couldn't give him everything he wanted, what I thought he needed. You know a stay-at-home mom, six sports in a year, a lake lot to go to every/ all summer. But he doesn't need that. He needs love, compassion, kindness, happiness. He needs structure, routine, discipline. I can provide all those things and most importantly: 

I have done it, I can do it. I will continue to do it. No matter what. 

Anxiety will always be there. Reminding me that there is going to be things I can't control, that I will worry about. But I will not let that anxiety win this time. I won't let those who have no love or faith for me, win. 

I see you, I will be here forever and you will deal with me and all my glory, forever.